Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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