what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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