so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
