The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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