i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
