I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish I only lived at night.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
