can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Holy sore nipples Batman
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
