just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
