Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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