Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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