i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
