Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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