You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
