i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
