dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
