Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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