...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
