We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
