we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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