she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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