take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
