does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize