My brain says no but my pants say off.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
