it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
