my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
