I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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