I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
