like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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