God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
