Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
