Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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