based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
