i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
