I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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