I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
