i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
