my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
