Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
