I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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