Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's blow job season.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
