we have pet lesbian snakes
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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