I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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