i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
