she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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