My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
