Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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