i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
