I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
