Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
