I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
