This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
