so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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